DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK (go back »)

Something happened last night, something bad. My emotions arent in balance and I feel as though I'm going to just keep in what I have to say and then burst! But see...I dont want that. I dont want to go to bed with these images, these haunting thoughts. So I am here. I am here...it's 4:13am and everyone In my home is asleep. The kitchen light is the only one lit. My cat cries for me in my bedroom, almost as he were a child. I am in my living room, it's dark. The only light breaking the room is that of the computer. My throat is dry. In the back of my mind i wonder if I am going to catch a cold again. Although, just as I remember why I am here, why I am on here so early in my day. my thoughts of the night prior to this return. I remember, vividly, how it all went down. Bit by bit I can piece it all together. These back flashes of last night, they repeat themselves in my mind. Unable to sleep just yet, I come here. I write (or in this case type) what it is that is bothering me. I have so many thoughts and images running through my head it's scary. Then again I am always like this, only this time it is becoming overwhelming. (pause) I take my mind back to the scene where it all went down. Standing there in the middle of my yard, drying my mother's car...it happened. So slow at first, then quickly & before i know it it was all over. The next thing I know the chopper's over our houses, light shines the black pavement. A car or two passes and I begin to slowly lose my mind. In all this I begin to think, " what if they saw me? what if they come back? would they? oh GOD, I dont know what's going on, or what to think!" In a small, yet very quiet panic I begin to speak. I spoke to her...there as she stood beside me on the curb. She's asking what happened. What to say? In a very distraught way I turn to her and slowly begin to fill her in. Telling her what had happened. Explaing to her why there were over 7 cop cars outside our home. All the while I am ranting on and on in my head, " WHATS GOING ON?! DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN?" I felt as thought I was making it up. Like I was trying so hard to convince myself that this was real, when it really was. Had I really just witnessed an attempted murder? or was I just over thinking it? (pause) I could cry a million tears right now. As bad as i would want to I cant. They Wont come out of my tired eyes. What will happen to me? will I lose my mind? will i be afraid to walk outside? will I walk to school everyday, as if nothing happened? What will become of me? ONLY WHAT I WANT TO BE. (sigh)(long pause) blankly staring at the computer screen, wondering what to write next, I come to realize that I am not going to let this get to me. I've got someone there to remind me that no matter what happens HE will ALWAYS be there. AS LONG AS I BELIEVE, NOTHING CAN HARM ME. Good night